


do you think you'll ever be happy?

by holtzmannzz



Category: Ghostbusters (2016)
Genre: F/F, itll get dark, mostly sad ones probably sorry, not sure anymore of what they want out of this, theyre older and less happy, time has passed, warning for future suicide attempt and alcohol/drug use, will be adding on other short drabbles
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-15
Updated: 2017-07-15
Packaged: 2018-12-02 08:37:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 1,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11505690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/holtzmannzz/pseuds/holtzmannzz
Summary: short drabbles of holtz and erin, less happy than before.





	1. crack

“Do you think you'll ever be happy?” An old record played in the background as they sat at the table- neither strong enough to make eye contact.

Perhaps it was better that way.

“Are _you_ happy, Erin?”

“That's not what I asked.”

“Isn't it, though?”

The blonde woman tapped her fingers on the surface underneath them as a siren blared outside.

It had been a long night, and a long time coming.

The lights were dim. It was quiet. Erin thought perhaps this night seemed too still.

“Well?”

A huff of air escaped the smaller woman, whose eyes moved to look into the other room.

“I don't know. I'm not happy here. That's all I know.”

An almost sob escaped Erin's lips, but she caught it before it was noticed. It wasn't news, but she had tricked herself into believing it wasn't true.

“If you aren't happy, then why are you here?” An easy enough question with a complicated enough answer.

“You know why.” A harsh voice snapped back at her.

Erin frowned.

Nothing was said for a while. The clock ticked on and served as their only evidence that time was still passing- that they hadn't been sucked into a black hole and swallowed, never to be seen again.

Erin thought of their first night together. Of the lust and mumbled _I love you_ s. She remembered how beautiful Holtzmann looked in the pale light of the morning, her hair undone and her whole life ahead of her.

“You don't have to stay.”

Holtzmann thought of their last night together. The rough scratching at soft skin, the sloppy kisses and tongues trailing every which way. She thought of how beautiful Erin looked in the middle of the night, her skin damp with sweat and her mind at ease in her dreams.

“I can't leave you.”

A stalemate they both knew was inevitable. Neither wanted the other to leave, yet both knew it wasn't right to stay.

“What happens now?” Erin choked out, trying to face that this might be the last time she saw those beautiful blue eyes. The last time she could reach out and hold her hand.

She expected a sigh, for her to get up and never come back.

Holtzmann moved her gaze and saw the tears streaming down Erin's face. Her heart ached in her chest and she got up.

A hum of finality came from one of them as their lips meshed together, possibly for the last time, possibly for another one of many to come.

All they knew was a decision wouldn't be reached tonight- but maybe they were okay with it.


	2. maybe

Erin walked alone back to her apartment.

The Ghostbusters had fallen out. The firehouse was listed on the market and they had gone their separate ways.

Cold wind blew around her and nearly froze the tears that were stuck in her eyes. She had expected to be more sad, to put up a fight and stay with her friends through anything.

She had expected them all to do the same in response.

But when the day came, they all knew it was over, it was a losing battle to try and fight for it.

Patty hadn't been happy in ages. Abby had moved on to another project. (Kevin was long gone anyway- they had lost him a few years ago.)

Holtzmann just wanted out.

Maybe, Erin thought, they didn't work as well together as they had hoped to.

The keys to her apartment felt light, as if the one key that was missing actually had the weight of her whole other life attached to it. A life she had accepted she was leaving behind.

It was quiet, but she was used to it.

Before, years before, her apartment had been filled with laughter and company, with food fights and movie marathons and late night confessions of love.

Erin even remembered now, this is where Holtzmann had kissed her first. Early in the morning, before the sun had risen.

She found herself smiling, alone in the room. It was a shame, she figured, that she couldn't stay in that fantasy forever.

The TV clicked on and she set her bag on the table, seeing her phone light up at a message.

_Do you want me to come over?_

Erin's face was blank.

_Do you want to?_

_… I don't want to be alone._

Erin replied _sure_ and propped open her door.

She figured this was probably a mistake. Clean breaks had always been her thing, but she couldn't force herself to take back what she had said.

It wasn't long before a soft knock echoed through the quiet.

Erin suddenly realized, at some point while she waited, she had started to cry. Not the type of crying she had when Abby told her not to call anymore. Not the type she fell asleep to when Patty changed her number and didn't tell them. This was different.

Holtzmann came up behind her and wrapped her up in an embrace. It was warm.

Or maybe it wasn't.

Erin only cared that suddenly she wasn't alone.

She remembered crying for a long time, and hearing soft sobs from Holtzmann in response.

Maybe they were there for a few moments, or maybe it was all night.

Maybe, both women thought, it would be this way forever.


	3. the first night

The first night after the break was the worst.

Holtzmann figured, if they were done being The Ghostbusters, at least she still had Erin.

Erin thought, maybe they weren't a team anymore. Maybe she would be alone now. She always figured that would be the case.

A dinner sat untouched on the table, books sat opened but not read. The TV was switched on but being ignored. It occurred to her, Erin wondered, if anything had purpose anymore.

The night dragged on, only the occasional  _I love you_ to break the silence. The words poured out as more of an obligation than a sentiment. 

Neither could find the will to speak up further, so they communicated the only other way they knew how.  

It wasn't healthy, Erin knew, but what else did they have anymore?

Their bodies pressed together as noise flowed in through an open window in the next room.

Holtzmann moaned as Erin kissed her neck and scratched up her back, leaving deep red marks.

Clothes were tossed aside and problems momentarily forgotten about.

The two women spent the rest of their energy trying to make the other happy.

But what else was new.

(Maybe that was the problem.)

For a moment they thought, maybe it would be alright. They could move on and start fresh, the two of them. Perhaps they could find peace again. 

Erin knew it wasn't true.

Holtzmann knew it too, but she'd be damned before she said it aloud.

They fell asleep next to each other, their bodies rising and falling in sync with each others breaths.

It reminded Erin of being happy and reminded Holtz of how badly her heart was breaking.

Holtzmann woke up first, at the sound of a bird singing outside. In the first few moments, everything was good. Everything was calm and safe and beautiful, before she remembered the reality of the world around her.

She looked over to Erin, her skin bare and her red hair wild from sleep. Small, mouth sized bruises littering her like freckles. 

Holtzmann sighed and pressed a soft kiss to her shoulder. She may have lost everything else, but she would stay here as long as she could.

She had nothing anymore if she didn't have Erin Gilbert- but there was her concern.

She wasn't entirely sure if she even had that.  


	4. a long way down

Erin tried to kill herself on a Wednesday. 

It had been days, weeks, months, since she has seen any of her friends. 

Holtzmann called, tried to call, a few times. Erin let the phone ring and echo through her apartment. 

She would listen to the voicemail as it recorded. Something about Holtzmann's voice left a pit in her stomach that she didn't think would ever get filled. 

There had been nothing for her to look forward to. No one to see. No one to save. Not even herself. 

When she laid down, a pill bottle empty beside her, she could understand why being happy was never for her. 

Some people deserved to have friends, to be in love, to have a job they loved. Erin deserved none of that, and the universe had made sure everything she was not owed had been taken from her. 

The window blew air in from the street and Erin could feel her stomach reacting. Her eyelids were heavy and she knew she was going to slip. 

She thought of Abby and of Patty, their smiles and hugs and how they wanted nothing to do with her anymore. 

She thought of Holtzmann. Her laughter and the feeling of sunshine emanating from her. Her warm skin flushed in the heat. Erin remembered the first time Holtzmann said she loved her. 

Erin was crying but she couldn't feel it. 

She needed to hear that voice again. How could she leave this world without a fresh memory of those words. 

- 

When Erin thought of that day, she couldn't remember much after deciding to call her. 

She remembers dialing the phone. The short time where she had fallen asleep. The sound of the door bursting open. 

Then she remembers the hospital, the scent of lemon, the acid taste in her mouth. 

She remembers seeing the blonde woman sat beside her. The look on her eyes being one she wasnt familiar with. 

"Are you alright?"

"Am I?"

Was she? Had she ever been?

"They said you're on watch. But you can go home soon." 

"I dont want to go back there. Its empty."

"You can stay with me." 

Erin wanted to throw up but she had nothing in her system. 

"I'm so sorry. To call you." 

The light streaming through the window was broken up as Holtzmann stood and crossed over to her. 

"Dont say that." 

"I can't do this alone anymore." 

"Neither can I." 

"I love you, Holtzmann." 

Erin hadnt thought she would ever say those words aloud again. They had been muttered countless times in her sleep, as she cried, when she was alone. 

"I love you, Erin." 

- 

Holtzmann's apartment was bright. Open. Everything Erin had missed in her life. 

The sun shone through the curtains as she laid on the couch. She could hear Jillian messing about in the kitchen. 

This was the life she wanted. This was the life she deserved. The life she was owed. 

She would never let it slip through her fingers again. 


End file.
